Ah adverts. The perfect time to put the kettle on and take a break from the gogglebox in the corner of your sitting room. And as you sport fans know, they’re a big part of the match day experience. The adverts for those bastions of lad culture are just as much a feature of a Saturday afternoon as the 3pm kick off. Gambling ads followed by beer ads followed by gambling ads and so on..
Now, one website has come up with a formula as to what makes up the perfect beer advert for that 15 minute half time break.
The Great British pint and football. Intrinsically linked.
Adturds looks at the most annoying, cringe-worthy and downright worst adverts on TV and exposes them for what they are – with the boozy ads taking centre stage. So without further ado, here is Adturds’ recipe for a terrible football based booze advert.
Step One – Main Cast
Making sure you have the right people for the right part is essential in any aspect for acting and our homebrew advert is no exception. Adturds says it’s also important to think about how many people there are.
“Any group of lads is best kept to three. Two blokes together might be homosexuals; more than three whiffs of a gang of lager louts. One bloke drinking alone suggests there’s something sad about drinking.”
But it’s not just that simple. The appearance of the group should also be considered.
“They must not be especially good-looking, nor must they be ugly. They must all look like they’re called Dave if possible.”
Three Dave’s? Well played Carlsberg.
Step Two – Supporting Roles
Now you have your starring roles assigned to Daves one, two and three, it’s time to get some support for your big names. Adturds advises going a little bit above and beyond the usual bit part actors though.
“Round up a collection of former England stars. Ones that are likely to appeal to people who drink a lot of lager are good. Stuart Pearce, Gazza, Terry Butcher – people like that. Non-footballing Brits are always good as well.”
A whole team of England legends? Fair play to you Carling, I tip my hat!
Step Three – Patriot Games
By now you have everyone in place. Ex players, the three Daves and even a vaguely famous non sportsperson if you can. Cheeky chappy Paddy McGuinness is always good – see the first advert on this post for more of that.
But what next? What’s the final step to take it beyond the usual adverts that blight the screen. England of course!
“Align your lager with England – even if it’s not remotely English. Plenty of St George’s flags. You may or may not tie this in with a vague xenophobia. Make them regret the day they took on England.”
Stick to the rules and you should end up with something like this
Perfection!
Thanks to Adturds for the help with this article. If you want to see more of their work, visit them at http://www.adturds.co.uk or follow them on Twitter @adturds.
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